What do you REALLY want? (In 7 Quick Takes)

Elizabeth Esther asked the question and her answer was mostly focused on writing.

And I’ve asked those questions too, elsewhere.

But when I started asking today I realized some stuff.

#1  I want to be creative – in a meaningful way

Writing is not a luxury. Creating is not entertainment.

They stabilize- root– my natureAnd give my flighty physicality (and mentality) the means to be still long enough to recharge.

And as a stay-at-home and teaching-mom, this is the only (short-term) project and sense of contribution-/connection-to-society I get.

I expect people to scoff at the idea I’m writing a “YA romance” (a fantasy no less!), but I argue, tearfully at times, that these kids need a pure model.  An inspired hope.  I know I never found those in high school.  Call it grandiose and foolish if you must (I know I do at times), but fiction is a necessity, and if God provides a way for me to actually finish this I believe it will be very important.

Regina Doman is my delight in this, despite having *not* read all her books.

#2  I want community.

I want a place and group of people with a readable standard and social system (I have a history of figuring things out right after I need them).  This community needs to be welcoming and open to people less-outgoing, or less-confident than me, so I can learn to be welcoming myself.

Community is the freedom of limits: I don’t need to be all things to all people, because we have different gifts, and God doesn’t have to depend on my exhaustion to accomplish His will

#3  I want connection

I don’t need everybody to know my name, or even *get* me when I first show up, but I do need to be remembered.  I need to know I can build relationships over time and won’t continually be starting from scratch.

I’m used to confusing people, and over the years I’ve learned how to do that less, but nothing compares to that beautiful rest when someone values you enough to get inside your head, to see past the clutter to be impressed by the furnishings.

#4  I want history

I *don’t* want to be the sum and measure of all things.  That is a sentence, not a complement.  When I get complements is when I get nervous.  When I stick out is when I expect more to be asked of me, and I’m usually giving already as much as I think I can.

It also means I have something to live up to.  And I no longer feel it is safe to fail.

I want to be put in context, and understand the setting.  I want to be included, but most of the time I want to be invisible while I do that.

#5 I want Story

I want the assurance that I won’t have to personally go through everything that God knows I need to learn to properly grow.  I want to see the reward for Wisdom, and the hope that God has provided an alternative to the School of Hard Knocks.

#6 I want to rest.

I have an incessantly flighty mind, hummingbird-like in its interdependent need for motion and nourishment.  I am worn down by living among ravens who can make a meal anywhere, and look so imposing, pacing slowly and deliberately from place to place.

The ravens and I both sense I can’t live out my life as a humming bird.  But I am mortally certain I’d never survive the transformation into one of their kind.

#7: I really want stability.

I was reading some book where a psychologist was analyzing pictures and my breath stopped with her observation that it is the control freaks that really want to be taken care of.  Who want to have all the decisions made for them.

And as best as I can see it, that’s true.

I would love to trust someone to be so completely attentive and thorough that I wouldn’t have to angst through my million decisions alone.

This, I’m finding, is one of the reasons the Catholic Church calls to me.

She’s had 2,000 years to work out details.  And with very few exceptions they apply equally to everyone regardless of race or gender.

Those elements combined go a long way toward making me feel safe.

In fact, the potential fulfillment of all these wants could rest in the Catholic Church.

My pessimistic, depressive nature scolds my expectations as foolishly optimistic.

These 7-wants are too much to expect to find anywhere on this earth.

And I can’t really argue with that.

But I have also decided not to let “certain failure” prevent me even from starting.

I have been living cautiously for years, and as that effort hasn’t kept me from being hurt, it no longer has the appeal it once did.


7 Comments to “What do you REALLY want? (In 7 Quick Takes)”

  1. Just found your blog (through CD) and wow! your post really speaks to me:)

  2. I found your blog through Conversion Diaries. First of all, I want to welcome you. The Catholic Church is so rich and big, get to know her!
    Less than a week ago, I was received in the Catholic Church, and though I had doubts in the weeks leading up to Easter, when I stood before the bishop, there was no doubt at all in my heart. For the longest time during my preparation, I was afraid I would someday regret my decision. Now I know I won’t. They joy, the peace and the truth that filled me during that night … It’s undeniable that this is where I belong.
    I hope you will experience the same beauty twelve months from now.

  3. Just a post so I can follow-up on comments.

  4. I couldn’t agree more with #1! I’m currently working on the second volume of a YA paranormal romance trilogy while I shop the first to literary agents. (Catholic homeschooling mom writing a trilogy that’s in the same genre as TWILIGHT? Oh, let the scoffing commence!) But, seriously, our youth are reading these books. Let’s give them something worth reading that has some real hear to it! Feel free to drop by and read my 7: http://applecidermama.blogspot.com/
    God bless!

  5. Oh, gosh, that’s so true about control freaks wanting to be cared for–but I think there is an additional piece to it, that control freaks have a hard time allowing people to take care of them without leaping in to do part of it themselves, criticizing how it’s done, or otherwise interfering. I recognize this tendency in myself, all the more so now that I’m working (as a member of my Episcopal church’s vestry) on the issue of how to improve the situation with our priest. She got badly overworked, anxious, and lonely and is now on discernment leave, pondering whether God is calling her to approach this job differently or calling her to a different form of ministry. I feel deeply empathetic for her, yet I also see how her desire to have everything done her way (but inability to do all of it herself) was a major factor in her reaching this crisis and in some members of the parish feeling rejected. How do we work together to make this better? I don’t know yet, but I feel God guiding us toward something good, and I have learned a lot about myself in the process. Here is something I’ve learned about blaming and asking for help.

  6. Hello! Found you through Conversion Diary. “I want to be included but most of the time I want to be invisible while I do that.” Oh, that phrase spoke to my introverted heart. I can completely relate. I want to be a part of a community. I want to serve, I want to love, just please don’t point me out the group.

    Thank you for working on a YA romance. As someone who has written book reviews for my children’s school, I’ve read a lot of YA immoral junk. Our young people need some decent fiction with decent characters.

  7. Oh my goodness! I just realized I forgot to link back for the lovely hostess of 7QT. Rectified and apologies to my earliest visitors.

    Ciska — Thank you for your encouraging words. That is so my hope.

    Bethany and Maggie — thanks for your validation. Would you believe I still have a hiccup in my enthusiasm when other people mention writing romance? It’s totally a character flaw and I’m working on it.

    And thank you Erin and ‘Becca for your kind comments.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: