The Love is Gone

Or rather, the gushy relief of discovery has dissipated.

I didn’t have it long, or even all the time, but things happened last week that removed the press that was driving me out of my home church and toward Catholicism.

Someday I’ll write about the initiation of counseling with our pastor, my terror of anticipation and relief at being wrong.

For the record: I love to be wrong. This could say something about a basically pessimistic nature– or that I’d rather be corrected of the negitive.

Three big things happened last week:

  1. Pastor said he saw no profit in discussing/debating theology. (This freed me of the fear the men were going to gang up on me to talk me out of my “new” beliefs.  I was ready to start praying to Catherine of Alexandria, and I haven’t gotten to praying-to-saints yet.)
  2. I brought up the fact my husband’s depression predates mine, and the focus left my issues to focus on him for a while. (More confirmation that this is legitimate couple-counseling and not gang-up-on-Amy).
  3. During Sunday school the hyper-Calvinist who’s been unwilling to hear my non-Calvinist arguments/reasoning verbalized that he is blunter than he should be, and recognized the wrong of that. (It’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to an apology out of him, and I’ll totally  take it.)

I am so thankful to see the outworking of my prayers, but with those events, the wind is out of my sails.  I am no longer being driven away from my home church.

Intellectually I’m okay with that.

In two months I would have wondered if this were all a dream, with me simply being pushed away from pain, and embracing welcome.

But it is more work to engage my mind again and use my will to continue in the work of self-education.

I am convinced of the necessary role of emotion: it was accepting emotion that allowed me to say this isn’t right, initiating my trajectory toward the Church in earnest.

But more and more I’m convinced that real health is the harnessing of all strengths: mind, emotion, body and will without over-honoring any the expense of the others.

So I think this receding of emotion is part of God strengthening other parts that need more exercise.

I trust my Shepard.


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